Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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