So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize