if you like me you must not know who I am
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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