a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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