yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
