On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
