I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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