A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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