I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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