I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
