My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
two words...techno handjob
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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