So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
