I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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