marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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