Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
