Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
