peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
