I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so let's talk penis.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
