i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
