he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
