So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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