I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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