She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
