people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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