I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
