Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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