Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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