i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
