My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
