I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
