and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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