I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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