everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
