he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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