Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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