I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
