I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
