bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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