Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
