Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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