I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
