Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize