Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
