If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
