he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
