i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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