"it" just moved
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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