there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
