Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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