K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
