I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
