when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
