I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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