So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
