I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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