I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
