apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
