I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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