Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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