Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
