Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
