I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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