Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
