allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
