Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
