I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
